I just talked with a very good friend on the internet. He’s been outside Chinese for a long long time, has seen get-togethers and separations, smiles and tears…maybe too much of that in life. Here are the two real life stories he told me:
1. Our office manager is a lady of my age she immigrated here when she was a teenager from Brazil. She does not look anything special, her parents are Chinese, but she does not speak Chinese she has an outgoing personality, that perhaps is her only strength. She is not outstanding in anything else, just an ordinary girl in terms of looking, smartness, knowledge and what not. Her first marriage turned out to be a nightmare. She married a Japanese American, a poor guy with bad habits such as smoking, gambling. They had a baby, and the baby died inside a closed car due to her husband’s negligence. She was completely disappointed and screwed up. Then they had a second boy followed by constant family fights. He beat her, and she decided to divorce and went back to university. In a program there she met a professor and somehow they fell in love. Everything changed several months after she graduated. They got married (a professor is not allowed to have a relationship with a student). I can tell you that her husband is the best man I have seen. He is now vice president of the university, and used to be the best welcomed professor, a very fun guy. Based on the Chinese standards this lady is too ordinary to marry an outstanding professor but she made it, and they live together very well. He raised her child and they did not have any other kids. This marriage changed her life from a mess to an something enviable. When people are young, they date blindly. You can see how dramatic that change can be. Her first marriage put her in the lower twisted living state, and her second marriage led her to an enjoyable life. They know how to enjoy life, and they travel the world.
2. One of our founders of the company married a Chinese girl. They have two kids, very beautiful kids, and they look like a perfect couple. The girl is good looking, and the guy is handsome, only a little bit too tiny among westerners. They divorced a year ago. What happened is that he is bisexual, and cannot change his sex orientation. The Chinese girl of course cannot tolerate it. It is a sad story because the guy is actually a very nice guy, excellent education from MIT but he told me that he could not change his orientation. He tried, he went through therapy and counseling, and he had lovely kids, he wanted to keep this marriage. He was willing to change and hope she could give him time. If you have seen Li An’s movie “Brokeback Mountain”, you will know this type of phenomena. After the divorce he finally found a new partner who was a boy but went through sex change operation to be a woman. They seem to have a very good relationship. The Chinese girl came to US on J1 visa, she must have been very happy to meet an intelligent well educated guy and married him but what happened later must be heart broken. Who wants to divorce after having two kids? All kinds of things happen not really anyone’s fault.
Can anyone tell what will happen with your marriage in the future? We set up standards in our head regarding education, work, wealth and future. But are standards that important? How many marriages failed and suffered when people think they found a good match based on standards? What is the most important thing in finding your partner of life?
We are passionate when we are young, and we like to hear the other person say that he is willing to die for us, we like to be with someone who hit the bottle with us like heroes. But to die for somebody is easy, what is so hard is to live for someone; pouring alcohol down your throat is easy, what is difficult is to stand straight and keep your head clear after that for a long time. Gradually, we found that we need somebody patient, somebody who understands daily life, who can drink with us little by little, tasting the sweet and the bitter.
