Face the Reality

After a year spent in a serious economic crisis in America, most of my Chinese classmates left the U.S. already. One of them left yesterday, and she called me at midnight at the airport, before she left. She told me two of the girls in our class got married, and they will get their status easier through marriage. One of the girls’ husband doesn’t really want to marry somebody who doesn’t have a job, but she was crying all day because she doesn’t have a choice; the other girl got to know her husband only for two weeks before the marriage. I am not against the idea of getting green card through an arrangement of marriage in the U.S., that will end the nightmare of applying working visa and green card and save all the waiting, worries and concerns, which can really kill you through time.

I personally have an American boyfriend, but he doesn’t want to get married. I love him, and he loves me, but our relationship is not perfect, we argue and fight sometimes. He is afraid that I’m going to take advantage of him, and get a divorce after two years, while for me, I’m not thinking of purely using him. I must love or at least feel comfortable with somebody in order to get married. I don’t want a divorce either. But this benefit for me obviously serves as an obstacle in our relationship. For us, it builds up sense of insecure and suspicious, while for other couples, it works the opposite way – it fastens the process of marriage, just like the case with the other two girls. My boyfriend doesn’t want a marriage even when I had to leave the U.S with the possibility of not being able to come back. I was seriously confused and struggled for a long time between the idea of true love and usage of marriage to get status. I truly love my boyfriend, but it’s impossible to marry him, shall I leave him? I don’t want to, but it seems that I have to. I don’t see the hope in this relationship.

I thought about it for a long time while I went out of the U.S on a trip to Canada. For international people who are here in the U.S., fighting their life for their dreams, life is so complicated that it makes itself very easy. There are many people that we like and are willing to spend the rest of our life with. We will go with the one who loves us and who is willing to help us and make our life easier. He may not be the one we love most, but that is life. Face the reality.

Two Real Life Stories from a Good Friend

I just talked with a very good friend on the internet. He’s been outside Chinese for a long long time, has seen get-togethers and separations, smiles and tears…maybe too much of that in life. Here are the two real life stories he told me:

1. Our office manager is a lady of my age she immigrated here when she was a teenager from Brazil. She does not look anything special, her parents are Chinese, but she does not speak Chinese she has an outgoing personality, that perhaps is her only strength. She is not outstanding in anything else, just an ordinary girl in terms of looking, smartness, knowledge and what not. Her first marriage turned out to be a nightmare. She married a Japanese American, a poor guy with bad habits such as smoking, gambling. They had a baby, and the baby died inside a closed car due to her husband’s negligence. She was completely disappointed and screwed up. Then they had a second boy followed by constant family fights. He beat her, and she decided to divorce and went back to university. In a program there she met a professor and somehow they fell in love. Everything changed several months after she graduated. They got married (a professor is not allowed to have a relationship with a student). I can tell you that her husband is the best man I have seen. He is now vice president of the university, and used to be the best welcomed professor, a very fun guy. Based on the Chinese standards this lady is too ordinary to marry an outstanding professor but she made it, and they live together very well. He raised her child and they did not have any other kids. This marriage changed her life from a mess to an something enviable. When people are young, they date blindly. You can see how dramatic that change can be. Her first marriage put her in the lower twisted living state, and her second marriage led her to an enjoyable life. They know how to enjoy life, and they travel the world.

2. One of our founders of the company married a Chinese girl. They have two kids, very beautiful kids, and they look like a perfect couple. The girl is good looking, and the guy is handsome, only a little bit too tiny among westerners. They divorced a year ago. What happened is that he is bisexual, and cannot change his sex orientation. The Chinese girl of course cannot tolerate it. It is a sad story because the guy is actually a very nice guy, excellent education from MIT but he told me that he could not change his orientation. He tried, he went through therapy and counseling, and he had lovely kids, he wanted to keep this marriage. He was willing to change and hope she could give him time. If you have seen Li An’s movie “Brokeback Mountain”, you will know this type of phenomena. After the divorce he finally found a new partner who was a boy but went through sex change operation to be a woman. They seem to have a very good relationship. The Chinese girl came to US on J1 visa, she must have been very happy to meet an intelligent well educated guy and married him but what happened later must be heart broken. Who wants to divorce after having two kids? All kinds of things happen not really anyone’s fault.

Can anyone tell what will happen with your marriage in the future? We set up standards in our head regarding education, work, wealth and future. But are standards that important? How many marriages failed and suffered when people think they found a good match based on standards? What is the most important thing in finding your partner of life?

We are passionate when we are young, and we like to hear the other person say that he is willing to die for us, we like to be with someone who hit the bottle with us like heroes. But to die for somebody is easy, what is so hard is to live for someone; pouring alcohol down your throat is easy, what is difficult is to stand straight and keep your head clear after that for a long time. Gradually, we found that we need somebody patient, somebody who understands daily life, who can drink with us little by little, tasting the sweet and the bitter.

Life tips leaned from friends

1. Life is too short to be misarable.
2. Work hard, play hard.
3. Standards of being mature: control and tolerance.

4. If you think something is worth it, you fight for it.

A glimpse caught of the eyes of a mother

Do you ever have the experience that you suddenly saw something and the picture at that moment just stay in your head forever? I saw the eyes of a mother the other day at big cactus’s home. She was looking at him when asking if he needed to eat something else. The expression of those eyes are so focused and caring, full of expectation to some extent. What was she expecting? She expected to make sure that her son had a good meal, and that he is happy and healthy. It was heart taking. I felt it the same way as when I first saw Times Square in New York. My mother must have been looking at me in the same way for more than 20 years, but I’ve never paid attention. She was also telling me how much she wants her children to come more often, which kind of makes me sad. Children always take themselves as individuals, while their parents always take them as part of themselves. Please pay more attention to your parents’ eyes, and make sure you will not regret one day when you cannot see them any more.